Friday, December 09, 2005

Up and Down the Bipolar Highway

Does anyone ever go through periods in their gospel climb where they doubt and fear, and then they have an experience that makes them think, "Stupid, of course the Gospel is true!"...? Every fall-winter I plunge into a deep naked teeth-clenching, my life is in ruins, pull the covers over my head and screw the world I'm not getting out of bed depression. I start to doubt everything: my effectiveness as a father, son, brother, husband, contributor as a citizen to our society, friend, Mormon, ugh, just everything. The past few winters I rationalize my body, as a Temple, is already defective so is slated for destruction and let myself numb or ease the blackness with pot and beer. Not a good idea, by the way...So this time I'm trying to figure it out. I'm starting to work as a nurse, so I'm waiting to see how 'help' (ha ha ha) will effect my licensure as an R.N. Anyways, this time around on the annual december ride, I have a resolve to not lose my temple recommend. Just yesterday I received a lot of answers to some things I've been dealing with (spiritual answers) which showed me, yes, there is someone who cares for me (Heavenly Father, the Lord, etc.) on an individual basis. Do you ever get caught up in the grind of living the commandments? I get so hung up on missing a day (or month) of scripture reading, missing a FHE, hometeaching, slacking in my calling, or whatever. How does it affect you?


Blogger pregnantintexas said...

I try to not hate myself for my weaknesses by thinking about the things that I have done right. I love my wife and kids. That's got to count for something, right? I do that very well, day in and day out. With that as my foundation, I am able to overcome the feeling of self-doubt about checking off all of the spiritual to-do's of the day. Then I try to find the importance in the to-do's. It is hard for me to read for 30 minutes a day in my scriptures. Interestingly, when we arrived here in Spain, the leaders committed us to read 10 minutes a day! I was like, "Freak, YES! That is so easy!", and now I love reading. Rather than hate president Paulsen for inviting you to read 30 minutes a day, why don't you commit yourself to reading 11 minutes a day, and then you'll know that you're reading more than me! What is the purpose of a goal? To make you feel guilty? Heck no! To inspire and motivate? Maybe, if you really can do it, otherwise it is bound to frustrate you.
You love your wife, Gabe, Jacob, Matthew and you give them a blend of leadership, loyalty and righteousness that is uncommon, even in the church. Satan wants you to feel frustrated because he knows that way he can limit your effectiveness in your power in the Priesthood. Don't listen to him.

Your brother,

6:27 AM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

I don't hate Al Paulsen. I realize the purpose of the Scripture goal, which is to prepare us for what the Lord wants us to do, and to be. I read as much as I can, I guess. I don't want to beat anybody in any kind of spiritual goals because the only race is with myself. The bending of our wills to God...I have a wonderful temple experience to share with you, Joseph, that I'd rather not on the internet. It's not deep, or odd, or anything but extremely wonderful. Hmmm...I am the only man that knows a housewife in spain named Joseph...

10:00 AM  
Blogger pregnantintexas said...

Hi, Louis!
I've teased Joseph for years that he would make a better housewife than I would, you know, so it's only fitting that he signed on as me! He cooks, cleans, and organizes better than I do. My only advantages are havin' and nursin' the babies!!
That's cool you've started a blog. I'll look forward to seeing it develop. Hang in there--there was no one else in Texas that our family liked more than your family, and that includes you! We'll never forget how y'all helped us so much. You're better than you think you are.
P.S.--What are you reading these days, or are you too busy?

10:55 AM  

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