Just to clear the air...I'm not gay!!!

Nah, I just wanted to throw whoever reads this for a loop. Where did that come from? Hahahaha...mental sedition...

It's 0145 and I can't sleep, but I'm not lamenting...Sometimes I lay in bed trying to sleep and that's when I get sick...my mind starts churning, all of these deadlines loom and make my stomach hurt, even if they're weeks or months away, my flaws sink their fangs in me and bleed me dry, everything seems loud, every little light is like the sun...

I've been thinking of buying a few acres (5-10) sometime soon. Maybe in 5 years after I get some equity in this house. I fear living in the suburbs is softening my sons. I told a friend from my ward I hate Mormon culture but I don't know if she got it.

With my tax return I'm paying off a credit card and buying a drum set! This friend of mine is selling one for $1K. A Gretsch catalina maple kit with 2 toms, a floor tom, bass, snare, hi-hat, crash and ride, a double kick pedal, a 3-piece roto-tom, a nice throne...I'm going to post pictures of it when I get it along with pictures of my original pawn shop drum set which sounds like...hurricane fighter planes...I figure Just to get started with my electronic music it would cost me $5-6K just to get started. I don't have that money, so that's going to be on hold.

Something's looming large; I feel like shaving my head again. I've been listening to Tool a lot lately..."But Louis, maybe it's the music you listen to." My parents always blamed extraneous material for my, uh, mental forays into madness. Musically, Tool sounds the same, I mean their songs. But, their good songs are really good, and it's one of the few bands where I like them lyrically (not all of their songs). I feel Maynard's love, man...D. Carey is also a really good drummer.

I actually feel bad for A.N.Smith. What an extremely unhappy person. She used to be a waitress at the Red Lobster five miles from my house before she was discovered. I wonder if this puts more fodder for Nancy disGrace to consume upon her lusts...I can't stand her. Sensationalist tabloid black void of a person...Nancy Grace I mean...Heather and I make jokes about how our dachsund is going to eat the toes of our new baby and we'll be on Nancy Grace put through the wringer. Ha! "But yor baby has no toes..." "Everybody's concerned about the dog but I don't hear anything about the baby having it's toes eaten off." That was from the episode of where the baby pit bull was supposedly guilty of gnawing the baby's toes of this one couple, but it turned out it was probably the ferret.

I just finished reading General Tommy Franks' autobiography. Good man...gives a lot more light about Iraq through declassified material the general public doesn't know about and the spin machines don't talk about. That's one of the few things I 'know' without a doubt: the U.S. Constitution is foolproof. People just jack it up like everything else, whether it be religion or any other social movement.

Heather is getting HUGE!!! It's like she ate a watermelon. The baby is very active, kicking and rolling...when I lay awake gritting my teeth I put my hand on Heather's bulbous gut and feel Chloe (anyone else have a better name?) rolling around non-stop. I wonder if I passed on my moody prediliction? We can't wait to see her. She's already grounded until 26!

Isn't it funny how when we are growing up there were no cares, and even though bad shit was going down it didn't affect you that much? When did that change? There is an LDS artist who painted self-portraits, not of himself literally, but of himself traveling through the life-span, and he's walking down a hall which is about to turn abruptly to an open doorway which is blackened except for a light in the middle twinkling like a star. He starts out as a child, posture straight, smiling and clean, but as he's nearing the turn in the hallway he is obviously aging, his 'walk' isn't so confident, and little 'things' are attached to him in various spots (they are parasites which look like the creatures on the album cover Too Dark Park from SP). There are obvious periorbital wrinkles and darkened edema, and a look of questioning himself. This is right before he turns towards the darkened doorway...My description does the picture no justice, but the meaning is profound to me. Does the 'diamond process' continue in post-mortality? I would think it has to. It may be naiviety in saying so but I cannot conceive of the 'cleansing' process being complete here on this sphere of existence. I'm going to the Temple real soon, I just have to make an appointment with the Stake Presidency for the second interview. I will be Temple-worthy, I take the sacrament every Sunday, I keep the covenants made in the Temple, but still there is that nagging feeling of incompleteness...it's like I have a spiritual tapeworm!