Friday, February 02, 2007

I don't live today...just merely existing...

Does anybody else have my problem? I was talking to Heather and I told her I think I might be insane, which is no big deal, because if I am I've been insane for almost 35 years now and I'm able to function. I've coined the phrase 'functionally insane' before...

Anyways, I told her I feel I'm living in anticipation of future events, goals, etc. and not enjoying the present. I...can't...relax...

I woke up at 1:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep...Houston is 45 degrees outside so it's too cold to go outside, and there is nothing but concrete to gaze at anyway...all of these upcoming deadlines were looming: my responsibilities in the ward for the Feb. 16th activity (I'm in charge of the music...hahaha...they requested country and I asked "What is country?" I will provide Skinny Puppy instead and knife their aural receptors...hahaha...anarchy at the ward chili cook-off...), school papers, pregnant wife, kids, living in the suburbs...

Speaking of the suburbs, what is so repulsive about living in the suburbs? I feel trapped...I enjoy the 'amenities' of living in the suburbs, such as the local skate park, gym, library, and stuff but I'M LOSING MY MIND!!?! Is it this particular suburb? Kingwood?

So, I wonder if all of this stuff I'm feeling is symptomolgy of disorders (?) if I truly do have a clinical disorder (Depression, bi-polar, etc.).

I'm going to New Orleans for Spring Break! I'm taking my bike and nothing else and visiting my family.

I'm listening to Ty Cobb from Soundgarden which kind of sums up how I feel about my suburb, ward, etc.


Blogger No Cool Story said...

I was reading your post from December 9, 2005.I'm no doctor (don't even play one on my blog) but sounds like depression to me.
I like your term 'functionally insane', yeah, same here. You know what I found out, never hurts to go see someone. At least you know you are not really going crazy!.

When I'm depressed I listen to a bit of Korn a bit of Linkin Park. Sad, so sad.
Oh, and country? I always say "NO" to that.

1:47 PM  
Blogger annegb said...

Yes. I thought I was losing my mind also. Patrick, you have no idea what I've been through the last six months.

Now I'm on Cymbalta and Trazadone and I am truly a new woman. For me, it's a miracle. I feel like getting out of bed in the morning and doing stuff. Food looks good.
My pain levels are way down.

You can e-mail me if you want, my e-mail has changed. But I know I have felt what you are going through. I came so close.

6:52 PM  
Blogger wendela said...

Been there, too. Still probably going through it. I agree w/NCS. For me, Korn usually helps. Anything even similar gets out some of the whatever it is. Maybe it's a combination of life and actual depression. If you're able to talk to someone, do it. Personally, I have no insurance nor $$ and if one more "friend" tells me, "God won't give you more than you can handle- just pull yourself up by your bootstraps," I'm gonna say, "I don't wear boots" and walk away. :) Hope the family visit goes well.

3:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Wendela. So many people love to say just buck up and keep going on with faith. All the while reciting pearls of wisdom... Blah blah blah. They haven't really said much... It's a question of wisdom in how one approaches adversity with God as a partner.
And faith must be accompanied with works. After all would you tell a person on the train tracks to buck up when they have just lost their legs beneath it? Would you help lift them or take time to listen to them through their groanings? Or would you sit in an easy chair and tell them things with feint depth without intrinsic substance?
There is something to be said for finding the right approach. Blanket statements without the "how to" are so shallow and self glorifying to spectator saints. The real ones do what Christ did, finding the lost lamb , lifting him up over his shoulders and carring him back to the fold.
Truth does not need a witness or validation or even a loudspeaker. But people need to meet the truth in action not with just words alone.
Its good to be crazy at times. Find a balance. Drugs can help. and try not to worry about the stupid things Church people say. God can forgive us when we know not what we do.

8:31 PM  

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