Monday, December 19, 2005

I Want The Sun...Blotted Out From The Sky

I had a horrible blog posted Saturday night dealing with a serious issue stemming from an altercation occurring at my ward's Christmas party, and by Sunday after Church I wanted to delete it because my rage was somewhat abated and my mind was starting to de-schitz (my term). I know of one family who saw the post, and I hope no one else did. It was that bad...Anyways, as an update, Bro. Jensen called Sunday afternoon and apologized to my 11 y/o for his words. If you don't know what this means, then good, and if you do know, then understand I misjudged Bro. Jensen to a certain extent, I forgive him (if it is my place to do so), I hope Gabe (11 y/o) forgives him, and the matter is over for me as far as I'm concerned. Onwards...
I really don't know what's going on with my emotions. As I've stated earlier, every fall-winter I descend into this madness. All of my life I've been taught that emotions are indicators of my spiritual state. For example, if I've sinned something great I would be really down. Understand? While acknowledging that 'wickedness never was happiness', sadness or depression can be related to something else. One problem: there are times that I cannot pinpoint 'sins' that instigate the depths of depression I plunge into every year. In the past I see I (subconsciously) created 'concrete' reasons for me to be depressed. I would drink beer for a couple of months, then go through the repentance process, and with that cycle I would have something to focus my depression instead of a confusing nothingness. Not this year; I want to keep my temple recommend, but whew, what a ride! I do not mean to imply I was perfect all year, or any such thing. I don't always read the Scriptures like I'm asked to, my prayers sometimes ring hollow, I yell at the kids, and I don't always enjoy my wife's cooking. I don't break the law of chastity, or kill (sometimes I'd like to...ha ha), or drink kitten's blood from a hollowed-out Bible or Book of Mormon, but I am naturally flawed. But I think those things naturally occur with everybody. So, what do I do?
I probably need to see a phsychiatrist to get on some heavy head meds...One theory I have is my mind and emotions are connected to the poles of the Earth, and since the Earth shifts every winter, so do I. I become a little stretched; my body freaks out from being a little further from the Sun for a period of the year. Paranoid android...


Blogger Stephen said...

Bless your heart, seasonal affective disorder is pretty rough for some people.

Wish you the best in getting competent professional help and in coming to understand yourself.

The Ensign artilces on mental health and mental illness are a good place to start. But mental illness has nothing to do with sin or faith.

9:14 PM  
Blogger pregnantintexas said...

Thank you for forgiving. I've learned that people are generally good, including the Brother Jensens of the world, and that they typically don't want to hurt people. Like you and me, they have ups and downs, and sometimes (unfortunately) let their downs stray into the lives of others.

I have been in a quorum presidency with you during the winter time, and I saw you shave your head, and get frustrated, but I saw no reason to think that you needed professional help or medication. Perhaps a vacation. Perhaps a temple trip. Perhaps a new Star Wars movie. But never 'off the deep end'. In my moments of deepest frustration back in Utah, I would run up the canyon, and sit on top of a rock that overlooked the valley. Everything was small. The only thing that was still relatively large was the temple, which sits near the mouth of the canyon. It was a great stress reliever because the noise of living was so thin. Find a place (or mental/spiritual state) where you can hear through the noise of living, and see yourself in perspective. Douglas Adams feared perspective because he didn't understand the potential that a Son or Daughter of God has. Sing a hymn, say a prayer, forgive yourself, and put the past behind you.


11:35 PM  

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