Monday, August 21, 2006

Put Out On A Corner, Today Ain't Garbage Day

I woke up this a.m. around 4, trying to motivate myself to run, and ended up in the bathtub again surrounded by bubbles, the water-jets on high, reading...and thinking. I was reading C.S. Lewis and the Bill of Rights in this Constitution set I got a while back. So I was thinking on events, on people I interact with on a day to day basis, people I read on the blogs, and so on. I started thinking of personalities, how one is formed, is there a turning point when one radically changes, or does one change at all??? Hmmm....

I have this friend who is LDS and he thinks in very linear terms. I see he is a good man, meaning his heart, but we grate on each other. He has tight control on everything in his life. There are rules and they must be followed. I am not like that. I follow rules, of course, but I adapt according to situations. I am not eloquent but I know what I mean. I am not faulting him. I'm just stating differences in perspectives. This led to my next thought.

Do we interact with each other from the basis of our insecurities? I think there is some level of self-hate in all of us; it's a part of human nature, I think. I have a book written about Relationships where all relationships are reduced to three types: Relationships with God, Self, and ??. I forgot the other one. But the one with Self intrigued me. Is it selfish or arrogant to love your Self? At first I thought so but now I don't. I think there is a level of dishonesty when we interact with each other because we feel we have to present our best selves (what we perceive to be our best selves); basically, we present a lie. I received two emails from other bloggers, one from someone stating not to post on their blog because they don't want the 'others' to know I'm LDS (WTF). Then the other wrote me about boundaries. That's fine, I see where they may be coming from, but I disagree. If one blogs one is putting something into the public eye for scrutiny and should accept this. I took their personal responses (they emailed me, not blogged me) as something they reacted to on a deeper level. So do we react to each other based on our insecurities? What drives a personality?

I remember growing up thinking of how people were supposed to act in life. In Church they are to be the stoic, spiritual, all-knowing statue of perfection. Then one day (or rather, one period of years) I snapped and entered the dark side (Lucas rules) where all my preconceptions of how it is supposed to be melted away. It was a painful period but in retrospect was necessary because I have a tendency to be hard-headed, brow of brass, neck of sinew, and all that. It took a fall of great magnitude to break me, although many have fallen harder than I have and my heart goes out to them because I know the pain involved. But then in one moment I realized I've been fighting the wrong war, so to speak. All have insecurities, all have dreams, all have a direction, be it good or bad. But does our insecurities form the basis of how we interact with each other? Can something else drive our personality?

The title comes from an old Flaming Lips song about personalities.

17 Comments:

Blogger mullet said...

interesting!

8:13 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth-W said...

I'm going to have to think about this--something for me to mull over while I sweat!

8:36 AM  
Blogger mullet said...

we do interact dishonestly...either to deliberately deceive people, or to cover up insecurities...or a bit of both. Same with blogs...it's harder to 'read' people on a blog - i'm stating the obvious, but we can't see eachother...hard to seperate the fantasicts from those who are just plain honest - but i think they are both as insecure as eachother. So as for the blogging...it is another facet of their personalities

9:45 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth-W said...

I think that we only are aware of the tip of the iceberg that is our selves. All the Freud stuff is about not seeing most of who we are, the repression stuff. The people that bug us the most trigger those parts of 'self' we don't want to acknowledge because we don't like those parts.
I think I blog sort of who I am. Do I censor stuff because I want to try to get along? Yes. Only when I'm really perturbed, or particularly contrarian will I go against the grain.
I don't think we completely operate based on insecurity, but certainly is part of it. Like the guy who is tightly woven, the guy who grates on you. If you were to look at his family history, have him describe his primary attachment objects (usually mother and father), you'd understand exactly why he was that way. And if you looked at their parents you'd know why they operated in that style. I mean, think about your own personality formation-where did your contrarian nature come from? What makes it easier for you to kick against the establishment than to just go along? When I see people in their historical context, I like them better.
I don't know what the people emailed you about. But I know whenever I hear any LDS people say anything I find racist, classist, elitist, xenophobic, etc. I start judging them pretty quickly. I think that we LDS in the US do have a history of being those things, and that over the generations (like the rest of America) we're getting better. So maybe the peson wasn't attacking you, but worried (was insecure about) that the outside community would see LDS folk in a less than perfect/ideal (by his/her standards) light. But, thinking people recognize that a single person does not a community make. I think we are aware of our personality, our strengths and weaknesses. We spend our lives eradicating our weaknesses. But even in perfection, we'll all be different, unique. So maybe we are more than our personality? Just some thoughts I've had today....

8:42 PM  
Blogger wendela said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:48 AM  
Blogger wendela said...

This was an interesting post. As you know, I was the one who emailed about boundaries. I have no insecurities (that I know of) in this area to base it on (but am sure I have quite a few insecurities along the way, anyway)- I just saw some people getting upset and, I admit it, I tend to want to be a "fixer" and want people to get along. I see your strengths and didn't want you to be a pariah. Would you have been? Maybe, maybe not- that's your choice, not mine. Why should I care? Because my personality is one of less confrontation. I meddled and I admit it. I didn't see what was going on as something put out there for "scrutiny" when it seemed aimed to upset certain others and was posted on blogs apart from the supposed target audience. You may disagree. You were emailed as opposed to a comment so I could address you privately on something I didn't think you'd enjoy me going on about in a comment - I was trying to be tactful, but maybe I missed the mark.

As for me, I am pretty much as I am on my blog. Do I restrain myself? Probably. But that doesn't make me a liar.

12:55 AM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

Thanks Eliz. I didn't see anyone as attacking me. Am I contrarian? hahahaha...I don't mean to be, I think. You stated what I call the paradox of hate, which is the things we dislike in others is actually how we see ourselves in our most negative 'light'. By the way, the man I blogged about, his dad is an accountant, if that reveals anything. I didn't take into account environment (I did but not in the blog; I meant it to be implied). Do you ever read Erikson? He had an interesting life; he grew up in a turbulent family, one day snapped, woke-up, whatever you want to call it, and decided he wasn't who he's been, then renounced his given name, and renamed himself Erik Erikson, which is the son of himself. How cool is that? The man is obviously a great thinker. I agree with a lot of his writings, but I do disagree with the possibility of shedding 20-something years of life's influence on your development.

As for a personality changing, I think we have our personalities way before Earth-life. Maybe what changes is our perception. As stated earlier, I grew up thinking there are two classes of people: LDS, and 'the others'. How ignorant and stupid. That line of thinking is unfair to myself, LDS, and everyone. But, I pose that there is still alot of that 'attitude' within LDS, and people struggle with it. President GBH has addressed it many times, there are a few of you who struggle with it (you know who you are), and early Church history has shown the extremes of how people react to it. Is that the establishment you refer to Eliz? I don't know what you mean by that. And yes, I agree with liking people more knowing their history. It does shed more light on them. What is the beautiful without the warts? I want the whole package, baby!

2:57 AM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

Wendela, maybe it's not our personality that has insecurities, but our insecurities drive our perceptions? I don't know, I'm just throwing that out there.

3:01 AM  
Blogger mullet said...

erikson - a personal favourite

3:47 AM  
Blogger elasticwaistbandlady said...

These are some DEEEEEP thoughts going on round here. I need a few hits off the Hookah before I can adequately contribute anything. :)

4:54 AM  
Blogger Moi said...

He's talking about me. This whole thing is over the Callous Communist. I never said don't post on my blog. I said, if he wants to do stuff like that (be insulting and profane, and weird) go do it where no one knows you're LDS. It was like you were trolling around on my blog just to get a rise out of people. Like it or not, people do judge us by the actions of others. Does this make me insecure? I don't think so. Am I a fake if I don't go on my blog every so often and say, "I feel like crap?" Nope. Truth is, I've never been fake on my blog. I yam what I yam. I really don't care who likes it, or not. I like happy people. I like funny people. I like people who lift my spirits. I want people to feel the same way when they come visit me. Is this wrong? You seem to think I have some dark side I'm hiding. I just don't have a dark side. Maybe a gray side sometimes, and when I feel gray, I don't feel like blogging. So I don't. I read a book, or I watch t.v., or I call my husand. I blog when I'm in a good mood, or when I have something funny, or something I find interesting to talk about. That's what I want MY blog to be. Is this fake? I don't think so. Frankly, you don't have to read my blog if you don't like it buddy. Just don't come over as Callous Communist and crap all over the floor.

6:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Carrot, I didn't mean anything personally. Don't be mad. You're missing the point. I never said you're insecure, I never said you're fake, you are saying that. I did not insinuate or imply anything. Be happy! PH

9:30 AM  
Blogger Moi said...

"If you put out a false
'light',
then you lie and there is no light." ~Patrick

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did I say you put out a false light? No. Now I am saying you are taking everything too personally, if you are angry with what I put out there, here, wherever, then maybe you should start looking at yourself a little bit more. I never said you, Carrot Jello, is/are/were insecure, liar, false, etc. Now, quit whining and be happy. PH. I'm at work and forgot my blog-sign on, hence anonymous.

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did I say you put out a false light? No. Now I am saying you are taking everything too personally, if you are angry with what I put out there, here, wherever, then maybe you should start looking at yourself a little bit more. I never said you, Carrot Jello, is/are/were insecure, liar, false, etc. Now, quit whining and be happy. PH. I'm at work and forgot my blog-sign on, hence anonymous.

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stupid computer. My computer is stuttering. P.S. I did say you are very talented, did I not? and very creative, did I not? You think I said something negative about you when I didn't but don't even acknowledge the complement. You are creative, intelligent (I can tell from some of your responses and blog material), so focus on that. Gosh. P.H.

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was thinking, also, sometimes you have to crap, and whatever floor you're on, then that's where it lands. P.H.

1:10 PM  

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