Monday, March 20, 2006

Psychic Dead

Parents suck, and then some. Strange Pulse opened a can of worms for me and I will vent. Death to those who disagree. Here is my family: my mom and dad have six kids, with me as the oldest. My dad impregnated my mom when they were 16 and 15, and they decided to get married; they both come from ucked-fup families themselves. They did the 'honorable' thing I guess, and stayed together to have a family. So, here we are growing up, no money because my parents didn't have time to go to school, and that was ok, but my parents didn't like it. My dad was strict Mormon, you can't do anything wrong, but he was also very very abusive and stern on the kids, mostly me (of course I feel that way, but the sibs may disagree with that; our experiences are subjective). My mom hated everybody, still hates everybody, and was physically and emotionally abusive as well. She did stuff like pinch my leg with wire cutters ("I was just playing around" she says), she would beat my younger siblings, I saw her repeatedly slam one of my younger brothers' head into a door in a fit of temper, to which I intervened by holding her down so he can get out of the house, which earned my personal stuff getting destroyed and me getting kicked out of the house one of the many times. In my junior year of hs I left home unannounced and they came to find me. Then they repeatedly kicked me out. What? I'm confused on that still. So I left home as soon as I could. You know what's funny? Everyone at Church said, "Your dad is a good man." He wasn't your dad, futhermucker, was he? Shut your mouth. So now, one brother left to Louisiana to get his life straight. One sister lives at my parents house with her two kids from when she was 15 (ironic isn't it?). Another brother is going to prison for possibly ever for larceny r/t drugs. Another brother is doing ok, living at home at 21, which isn't so bad, he is doing good in college, but he is also a heroin addict. That's with you your whole life. Now, the other sister I haven't written about, she built a house, teaches school, and struggles in her own way. She isn't a drug addict, but she drinks heavily, or used to. None of my family talk except for when they need something. My mom and the girls go out and then ask my wife to babysit for them w/out asking my wife to join them. It's very hurtful for her. My parents complain that their life is not how they envisioned it when they would reach their fifties, with their kids on drugs, still living at home with their children...What were they thinking ten, twenty years ago when they were raising us? You reap what you sow...

Now, I'm trying to break this cycle of dark family dynamics. I have sometimes acted like my dad, but I think I am also very loving. I constantly tell the kids I love them, I praise them, I spend time with them...but it is still a struggle. I don't want to be like my dad or mom. My mom the other day said my kids are overly destructive, and little heathens, but I stated they are just normal, growing kids. She replied, "no, they are more destructive than normal." In Church we sing a song called Families Can Be Together Forever. Don't remind me! Now here is a question: Does Family mean biological furthering of DNA, or is Family what you make with whomever? Just because one is not blood related, does that mean they are not family?


Anonymous Susan M said...

Sorry to upset you. My parents were in no way perfect, but they're awesome people. They weren't the best parents. My entire family is pretty screwed up--I can relate to a lot of what you say.

I used to live in a ward where it seemed like every Sunday whoever was talking would go on about how blessed they were to be born into such a righteous family. And I'd be thinking, yeah, good for you. Rub it in some more! Ha.

2:17 PM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

You didn't upset me. I'm happy for you, and I wish my situation was different, but it is the way it is. I ain't mad at ya-T. Shakur

3:22 PM  
Blogger wendela said...

Families are not just blood. My mom was adopted, so I literally believe this. I, too, have some pretty screwy family members. Just remember how blessed you are to have people/family (not necessarily "blood" family) who love you and your family and care. I know in your faith families are literally "forever", but I'd hope there's some after-life accountability for abusing jerks who never repent. I am pretty sure I will never again be with some of my family, and that's okay! Your situation does suck, but be glad you are wise enough not to perpetuate the bad behavior.

9:38 PM  
Anonymous Infidel said...

I knew I felt some kind of connection with you from the very first blog comment. I'm the oldest child too, went through severe abuse at the hands of one of my various stepfathers including a broken nose and fractures.A father who didn't bother to even call me most of the time. I got repeatedly kicked out of the house starting at the age of 14 for minor infractions like having a box of crackers in my room.(seriously) Then had to suffer my Mom looking for me and telling everybody that I was the one who just, "up and ran away for no apparent reason". I hooked up with a loser 5 years older than me when I turned 17 just because I saw an opportunity to escape her home. I'm trying not to dwell on childhood crappiness and move forward, but when people tell me how wonderful she is and how lucky I am, it dredges up those old, angry feelings.

3:57 AM  

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