Friday, March 10, 2006

My Love Affair With Madness and Dark Waters

What were you doing 9 a.m. today? Working? Driving through traffic? I was sitting in my hot tub sipping on some Diet Coke over ice listening to a mix C.D. I made of all kinds of trance and ambient techno music. Hah! Then it hit me...I reviewed my life, because I'm in this opulent new house with these crazy riches and amenities I never pictured myself in (you may say to yourself, this is not my beautiful wife, and you may say to yourself, this is not my beautiful house...and the days go by...), and I thought of the past...I didn't go on a mission, which is a cultural fugue in the Mormon Church. I feel neither regret or happy about not going; it's just an experience. At that time in my life I went inactive and partied and carried on. As a little kid I was bombarded with all of this anti-drug literature and it described LSD as a horrible experience that made people do crazy things like jumping in front of a train and killing people and jumping off of buildings and stuff like that...So anyway, I was curious for a long time about LSD and one day I decided to try it. The first few times it felt like a weird kind of alternate reality; I noticed common everday things I usually overlooked and took great interest in them and wondered why I never appreciated them before (i.e. individual blades of grass, houseflies, etc...). After the newness of these experiences wore off, the drug started inward reflections, and that is where it turned hairy. It became very depressing to trip and so I quit. I didn't do it that many times, but like all drugs, it gets old. So there I was this morning in the hot tub, listening to music, and I felt that weird lonliness I felt when I tripped. The sky was grey today, there was a chill in the air, but it was humid also, so it felt like a warm chill (?!?), and the music was playing, and the whole thing together reminded me of the big Lonliness. There is something pure in being lonely; when I describe lonely I don't mean I feel a need to be with someboday, but it is a clean feeling of no heaviness or nagging thoughts of whatever, I see the world for what it is (my perception) . There is a side-effect of sadness, but it accentuates the lonliness. Do you understand what I'm saying? Imagine yourself standing on a towering cliff overlooking these crashing waves, but you know there is nobody else on the planet; it's just you. The ocean you see is black, pure black, but you hear the crashing of the waves. Behind you is a vast desert of nothing. That is the lonliness I'm describing. It's not a bad thing:)...

2 Comments:

Blogger elasticwaistbandlady said...

Being alone means I can eat the whole chocolate cake and not feel guilty about it. Being alone means that I won't have children wanting to talk to me while I'm sitting on the toilet. Being alone means I can listen to irreverent music and shake my booty and nobody is there to ridicule me. Being alone means actual quiet time where I can enoy a few precious moments of mental clarity.

I say, embrace the loneliness!

9:49 PM  
Anonymous Susan M said...

When I was a little kid I used to love feeling sad. I'd mope around on my own, making up sad songs (often about my oldest sister, and how she had to be apart from her husband--because he was in prison, good stuff). I love being alone. I need time alone. But too much of it isn't good for me.

10:39 AM  

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