Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Great White She Devil, or the Metamorphosis of the Dragon Butterfly Gouging My Eyes With Perceived Vengeance

The village was nestled quietly in the foothills of the snowy mountain range, and the people happily harvested their crops in hopes of storing food for the oncoming winter, which was already showing signs of being an extremely cold season. Children were laughing, men returning from hunts with plenty of deer, and the women happily washing clothes, dishes, and gossiping idly on their cell phones about...nothing. For many years this happy people lived in quiet and harmonious peace with a dragon in the heights just within sight of the village. However, every month this dragon would howl horribly and although the dragon never attacked the village, the men would get a little nervous and the women would, for a split second, put down their cell phones. Oh, how the air rang with the screeching fury of a beast enraged. The noise and evil clamor would last for a week or so, but nothing ever came of it. Until now...

As the kids were playing this brisk fall day, the sun was shining, the wind blowing, and a slight chill was in the air. Mary-Joe was wondering why the dragon wasn't howling because it's week was due. Mary-Joe told her friend, Beulah, "I was pretty sure it would start today, but maybe it's a little late." Beulah said, "I don't know, Mary-Joe, I've never knowed it to be late except for a couple of times and then I was in a panic, my husband got real moody, and...wait Mary-Joe, I'm losing reception, I'll call you back." Then hell on earth was unleashed...

The mountain lair erupted in a giant fireball and evil incarnate unfurled her wings and with an ear-splitting screeching roar; it seemed the very denizen of hell was unleashed upon the innocent, unsuspecting village. The dragon swooped down and landed smack down in the village square. Bob asked, "Uh, dragon, baby, how are you doing?" while trying to calm his shaking hands. "What do you mean how am I doing? What an extremely stupid ignorant selfish question!!!" replied the split-personality dragon as she scooped poor Bob in her gaping maw, ripped off his head, drank his blood from his neck-hole as if from a beer stein, and then gnawed on his head. The village was a mess. Life was going on as normal, everyone was happy, or so it seemed, and then this. The dragon was a little scary for the past thirteen years but this, no, this was completely unforseeable. As the villagers gathered their children, women and men cowered in fright, completely evacuating their bowels into their pants, the children either passing out or crying in agony as they realized their beloved compatriot Bob was no more. All of a sudden, the dragon started bawling. "I don't know what's going on with me. One minute I'm happy, then the next I want to kill the kids...Boo hoo hoo..." sobbed the dragon, shedding great dragon tears. Although the villagers felt scared and even a little indignant about the loss of Bob, they even felt pity on the poor beast. "Can I do something for you" asked the villagers? "What!?! Haven't you done enough?" What is it with you people?!?!?" The dragon completely flipped. Taking a deep breath with its massive red scaly neck, it unleashed such a torrential wave of flame that all of the village, people, livestock, and structures, were completely vaporized. Even the ground on which the village stood was heated to such a degree it was said in legend the ground was as 'a sea of glass'.

A week later, the dragon had a funny grin on its face and thought to herself, "Wow, I don't know what that was about. I feel completely back to normal."

11 Comments:

Blogger Elizabeth-W said...

Patrick, you'd better be careful what week you post this, or at least which week certain dragons read it. You are about to get yourself made into dragon sacrifice!

12:15 PM  
Blogger Moi said...

Yeah, dragons eat men like you for breakfast.

1:15 PM  
Blogger elasticwaistbandlady said...

Meh, Really, what's one Bob, more or less?

The only one really pissed was Beulah of Beulah's Tavern because Bob left behind an outstanding bar tab. I heard rumor that she's planning on suing the dragon for her monetary loss.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Gabe said...

Hey This is Goobers I made a blog!!!! it is onlyhereyoucan.blogspot.com

6:17 PM  
Blogger Moi said...

Hey! I saw those pictures!! Did she pay you off??

3:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm, is the dragon bi-polar? My ex-husband's name is Bob and I've had extreme moods. Vaporized a neighborhood or two, but I never drank his blood.

10:14 PM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

Hey, any mouse, the dragon is bipolar one week out of the month.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Moi said...

I cannot deny what I saw. You may sweep it under the rug, but I - I saw them. ;)

9:32 PM  
Blogger Moi said...

uh oh, I think Patrick got eaten.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth-W said...

Patrick, are you okay? do we need to send Elastic over to revive you???

8:49 PM  
Blogger Gloria Glo said...

Har har on the bipolar stuff. I'm not of the scream and yell variety meself...and I know more than one moody male ;)

10:21 PM  

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