Monday, October 30, 2006

Give me Head...Psychic Head

Heather and I've been married (to each other) 13 years now. 13 years and 10 months ago she asked me out to a Ministry show in downtown Houston...I denied her (I was already going with another girl) but then we got high after work one time, she said, "I feel like I want to kiss you", but then I replied, "I've got a girlfriend", and then we made out. Yummy! Uh, the other girl I have not seen for 13 years and 10 months. 10 months later we were married by our bishop (she joined the Church one month or so prior), and our first son was born 7 months later, in May. Heather refuses to dye her hair purple for me. You see, that's the thing about women. I think I'm more or less the same, but she had the purple hair and dark lipstick which drove this drone bee nuts, but once my queen trapped me, well, she says, "Oh, by the way, I'm normal."..."What?!?"...Women show off their feathers until they have their mate, and then wham. I totally refuse for her to cut her hair short.

I've been self-medicating. The good thing about severe crashes of depression is that you already see yourself as lost so what the heck, it can't get any worse. Self-prescribed coping medications...Some pale, some amber, all delicious...


Blogger annegb said...

:) When Bill and I met, I was a cute thin girl with long silky tendrils. boy has that changed.

I cut my hair. His hair fell out. I'm lumpy and onery, not one to worship the ground he walked on, like that dumb girl he married.

That's love.

7:08 AM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

Love is wonderful. Heather gives me meaning and responsiblility. I think Father works through our mates in the right context. Heather and I joke around we are both codependent on each other, but it works for us so screw the psychiatrists! I mean, not literally, of course...!

12:26 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth-W said...

Patrick, you write these things and I don't know what I'm supposed to do! I think--Pale!! Amber!!! He knows those things are CNS depressants!!! But I think you'll think I'm being the know it all 'professional' shaking my finger at you. So, instead, I want you to read it as the know it all big sister who is shaking her finger at you, because if I were your big sister (and in the cosmic scheme of things maybe I am ;) ) that is probably what I'd do. If I were your sister, I'd shake my finger and say knock it off, and then hug you and then put you in a head lock and tickle you til you said 'uncle'.
I think that women aren't allowed to be dangerous/sexy once we become mothers--it doesn't fit the mother archetype. So Heather, and many of the rest of us didn't intentionally pull a bait and switch-it's just part of our cultural make-up.

2:13 PM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

Elizabeth, elizabeth, elizabeth, the pale, the amber, I don't mind is a churning machine, and when I finally hit a dead end, it is the only way I know to cope, for the time being that is. It's a cycle. A month from now, I will be 'good', repent, and grow my hair out. I think beer is a physical 'thing' I can put my ill feelings on. Does this make sense? I wonder if hell is like depression. If it is, then I'm already there. What's the point of trying?

6:11 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth-W said...

I think depression is a living hell because it colors everything such a horrible shade of hopeless and worthless.
The big question is what is the payoff for you of letting the cycle continue instead of making it stop? I mean, you've tried the pale/amber approach, and the cycle doesn't stop. So, what is the risk of trying a new pattern? It might be a good shade on you :) Shazzy says you can't have pictures of him in his frippery.

8:17 AM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

Elizabeth, that's what I'm saying. But, it's like why fix the hole in the roof when it's not raining? email me your sister's phone number in Houston.

Anyways, I've made my orbit around the dark side. The darkness is getting a little paler...Can you post any of Shazzy's recordings, or does he have any?

6:07 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth-W said...

My cousin. I emailed her to send me her office number/address--if it's an hour away from you (although what ain't in Houston?!) she may know of someone tragically hip in your neck of the woods. I'll email when I get her info.
I know he has tons of recordings-he's always working on stuff. I don't know if he'd share it-but he could surprise me and say sure. He's in DC for the next week, so I'll try to remember when he gets back.

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Barb said...

Your wife seems great! I hope this depression thing gets better for you soon. Take care of yourself in the meantime.

2:16 PM  
Anonymous Barb said...

Patrick, have you tried self-medicating with things such eating a lot of salmon(shown to boost moods due to omega 3'). Have you tried a lot of exercise that has also been show to elevate moods? I know they say in cases of severe depression that you speak of that sometimes one needs to start out by taking a prescription of anti-depressents as they may not have the energy at first. I know that you have had reservations about anti-depressants. I used to take them. While they never knocked my ocd out, they may have helped with depression. A friend of mine who went through a lot of severe trauma in his life was on anti-depressents for a time and it gave him the energy to work through things. I hope you consider these options. I am not sure how this medicating with alchohol works, but I know that they say to avoid excessive drinking when you are going through problems as it can lead to alchohol problems. I hope this does not sound too preachy. I really have no room to preach. I do have concern for you. Well, maybe you are on an upswing now. I do hope things are improving.

6:17 AM  
Anonymous Barb said...

Patrick, I just thought of something else. Sometimes people find cognitive therapy to be helpful when suffering from depression. I ordered these tapes one time that I paid for in seval installments that are suppose to help with depression and anxiety. For some people, it can be very beneficial. It is a thought at any rate. It sounds like you must be in an incredible amount of pain. I am sorry to see such a fine brother as yourself suffering so much.

6:23 AM  
Blogger annegb said...

Barb, I like your idea of self medicating with food.

Tonight I'm going out for coconut shrimp to treat my frustration :).

1:17 PM  
Anonymous Barb said...

Annegb, that sounds yummy!

Patrick, I have been offline for a few days, but I have thought of you from time to time. I notice that you have not posted in a few days. Please, let us know that you are okay.

You seem to have more hope from what I gather in your post than I had at one time. You expect to give up your present "poison" and repent when you get over this depression slump. At one time, I did not even know if I could hope to hope. And now I have so much more hope.

Hang in there, brother!

3:56 AM  

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