Monday, November 20, 2006

I Won't Have An Excuse

Confusion. There are times when I feel I'm not right with of my standing with God, Heavenly Father,or the Lord. Why is that? Obviously I won't have the Spirit while I'm breaking the Word of Wisdom. Yet, there are times when there is darkness, and it has nothing to do with sin/not sinning, etc. It is a real, palpable feeling. My stomach burns, I feel like I'm in a sort-of dream like state where I can function but I know my outlook is severly screwed. It is during those times I feel lost. I can intellectually know what I'm feeling is not normal, but emotionally I can't see past the mood. So why must I feel the pain? Is it a learning experience? Is it to teach me empathy? Is it a test? Or, is it a physiologically-based experience? So that is where the confusion lies. I refuse to feel the pain at this time. Maybe because I'm weak, maybe because I have no spiritual backbone, maybe I'm already lost. I don't know. So, because I'm lost I have an excuse to self-medicate. I don't like it, I don't want it, but the pain becomes too much. Hence, my excuse.

My friend going through similar stuff says all of this will make sense once I see the head-witch, er, psychiatrist, shrink, whatever, and get on medication. Does this make sense? It's funny...every winter I put on a few pounds and become grumpy during the trip, and my friend told me to liken the experience to a bear when I teach my kids: During the winter, the bear eats a lot, puts on some weight, and likes to hibernate; but don't mess with the bear!

Also, for whoever reads, this is not my total experience! I do have periods of feeling nothing!

3 Comments:

Blogger Elizabeth-W said...

"There are times when there is darkness.. can't see past the mood" That IS depression, Patrick. That is what it feels like.
Why must you have it? Because this is mortality, and whether you have a mood disorder, are born in war-torn genocidal country, have MS, or sexually deviant parents, we all have something in this life that is a struggle. None of us gets through mortality without pain/suffering/trials/whatever. The rub is to create meaning from suffering. We live in a mortal, imperfect world. If our bodies were perfect we wouldn't die.
You're not weak, you have a spiritual backbone, and if you're lost so are the rest of us. You know that the self-medication feeds the low mood in the long run. Depression/mood disorders, and substance abuse go hand in hand. Not because people with disorders are flawed, but because the altering of the experience seems rational because it can be so miserable.
Loved the Bear story!!
I guess I keep coming back to what is the worst that could happen if you did try meds? I also think spending time with the excuse thing is a huge issue. As in: what if I get better? Maybe people won't like me the same? Maybe I'll have to be more productive? What if I feel better, and then feel bad again? I know I don't really like how I feel right now, but at least it is familiar and comfortable and I know what to expect.
Oh, and the whole Army thing--what would happen if you didn't use your insurance, found a place that did sliding scale stuff? Then it's cash only and no record of it goes to your insurance. I have people who prefer to pay cash than to have any sort of mental health claim with their insurance (because they're worried about pre-existing condition issues).

Oh, the other last thing--I think it matters less about finding an LDS counselor and more about finding someone who you think truly is empathic, understanding, and appreciative of your religious/spiritual beliefs/values. I've worked with LDS and non-lds. I saw one LDS lady and left in tears because I found her so judgmental, and saw another who totally got where I was coming from. My favorite was a lady from Alabama who totally thought Mo's were freaks/going to hell (meaning that was what she was raised with) but we got along famously.
Okay, I'm done :)

4:32 PM  
Anonymous Barb said...

I have had periods of depression and also times when I believe I was really feeling the buffeting of Satan as I was preparing for a mission. My friend who is the Stake Patriarch gave me a blessing at that time and I received a great deal of peace.

I know blessings can comfort a person even if a person is not healed completely. There are times when a person is healed all the way, but other times healing may come in other ways or through medical avenues.

Well, Thanksgiving is coming in a couple of days. I imagine in your profession it is hard to get the whole day off. I hope there is some time to celebrate and if you like Football, I hope you can take in a game or two.

10:24 AM  
Blogger White Man Retarded said...

I work Thanksgiving, which is cool because of extra pay! Yay...Thanks Barb, I don't like football. I never got into watching games on tv. I appreciate the sentiment though. Reveal yourself.

10:37 AM  

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