Monday, November 27, 2006

Estrogenous Tidal Wave

It's a girl. I'm scared.

Monday, November 20, 2006

I Won't Have An Excuse

Confusion. There are times when I feel I'm not right with of my standing with God, Heavenly Father,or the Lord. Why is that? Obviously I won't have the Spirit while I'm breaking the Word of Wisdom. Yet, there are times when there is darkness, and it has nothing to do with sin/not sinning, etc. It is a real, palpable feeling. My stomach burns, I feel like I'm in a sort-of dream like state where I can function but I know my outlook is severly screwed. It is during those times I feel lost. I can intellectually know what I'm feeling is not normal, but emotionally I can't see past the mood. So why must I feel the pain? Is it a learning experience? Is it to teach me empathy? Is it a test? Or, is it a physiologically-based experience? So that is where the confusion lies. I refuse to feel the pain at this time. Maybe because I'm weak, maybe because I have no spiritual backbone, maybe I'm already lost. I don't know. So, because I'm lost I have an excuse to self-medicate. I don't like it, I don't want it, but the pain becomes too much. Hence, my excuse.

My friend going through similar stuff says all of this will make sense once I see the head-witch, er, psychiatrist, shrink, whatever, and get on medication. Does this make sense? It's funny...every winter I put on a few pounds and become grumpy during the trip, and my friend told me to liken the experience to a bear when I teach my kids: During the winter, the bear eats a lot, puts on some weight, and likes to hibernate; but don't mess with the bear!

Also, for whoever reads, this is not my total experience! I do have periods of feeling nothing!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Shrink Wrapped

I am thinking of seeing a head-doctor but have reservations about it. There's no pride issue in doing so, with me. I don't think less of myself for it. But the reservations I have are these:

1. Whatever 'help' I receive will alter my perceptions and thinking...?
2. Should I see an LDS shrink (counselor, etc.) or does it matter?
3. Will this affect my ability to provide for the family, as in the Army or career?
4. Wasn't Andrea Yates a depressed nurse?
5. I won't have an excuse.

I saw an episode of King of the Hill where Bobby starts taking an antidepressant and became a zombie. I know it's a cartoon but it reflects a fear of mine. Does antidepressants make a reality a non-reality? For example, maybe I'm not really depressed but overwhelmed by all the crap in the world. If I take antidepressants will it mask all that crap (which I feel is real) go away? Will it mask the crap? Crap-mask? Will I start liking country music??? Will I be making casseroles and scrap-booking? Maybe what I'm really afraid of is being emotionally neutered. Hah! Freud that! J. Lydon would be proud!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Blast The Brain Cells Orbiting New Space

Hey. I work and go to school both full time. Therefore, there are these frequent stretches of funk where I go to work, work 12 hours on these extremely sick people, and then come home to be with my family for an hour or so before the kids go to bed. However, that hour I'm like a zombie. Lately I wonder if the rest of my life is like or will be like this. Cabaret Voltaire had a song where they interspersed the sample, "Go to work, go to church" over and over again. I think I'm having mortality death blues. Anyways, I'm currently on Shiner light (gotta watch the figure) # 4, slowly careening over the deep end...
I saw a special on Fox News about India Company in the Marines when we invaded Fallujah (rightfully so). Man, I wish I could have been there. Punk m*****fuckers...the terrorists, I mean. Zarqawi left the city after we invaded, urging his men to stay and fight to the death. How can a whole group of people be so blind to his cowardice? If you are that convicted in your beliefs, wouldn't you be an example and stay? Anyways...
Depression isn't that bad. I give up. No more fighting. Just floating. I skipped Primus last week. Which is really weird because live they are 20 million times more intense than recorded.

I read The Poisonwood Bible. Really great book. When we lived in Copperas Cove while I was in the Army, Baptists used to come over asking me if I've been born again, do I accept J.C. as my personal saviour, and all that rote bs. The book reminded me of that on the surface. It got to a point where it seemed the Baptists had to prove their faith (to their friends or themselves???) and cut their teeth by harassing me, me being a Mormon. Then there is Fred Phelps, the almighty Baptist minister from Topeka, Kansas, on a mission from God. Google him. Dead Whelps. Baptists are the American version of Islamofacists. Sorry if I offend, I'm just wallowing in my mire...