Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Pastor Dead Whelps

Howdy. Somehow I got on this crazy website that has this church in Kansas calling everyone fags. At first I thought this had to be some kind of joke, but now I'm not so sure. What in the world is going on? Of course I see what is going on. I have always laughed and despised militanism in any fashion, whether it be Islam, Christianity, or whatnot. I served four years active duty Army in Ft. Hood, Texas and lived in Copperas Cove which is a little town on the western border of the post. Cove is a nice and quiet central Texas (Central Texas is better than Utah, you...Utahnees!:) city with a fairly small-town atmosphere. Anyways, I would go on splits with the missionaries and they talked of tracting, and catching members of another Christian Congregation following the missionaries and 'dispelling' the Mormon myths the household might have just received. My neighbor was part of this congregation, was very nice, but also acted leery of us (my family). Now, I don't want to name the denomination because I've met others in certain parts of the country who are just as nice as anyone, or at least to my face they are. The church these people in Cove attended was very similar to the one in Kansas I found on the web. My family and I would just sit down to eat dinner on a Sunday evening and 'knock-knock' two members of this other congregation would ask to talk the Bible with me. On the first visit I thought, 'yeah, ok, I believe in missionary work, and worshipping according to our own consciences' so I entertained their speeches (one-sided rants) for a little bit. They would ask me questions like, "Do you believe in John 3:5" or "What do you think it means to be saved" or "Don't you believe Joe Smith was God? Don't you worship Joe Smith?" and all kinds of other ignoramus questions. So I politely would end the speech and go to dinner. Now, this happened all of the time, and only on Sundays. I figure the pastor would give a speech 'damning those Mormons to hell, and by golly, it is a rite of passage to go to their houses and confront the evil flesh and blood devil-whores in their own lairs, and you shall be truly saved, as was Nicodemus...'These riled and insecure people would be all fired up and in order to flaunt the size of their biblical balls would come and pick on me (and others, I'm sure). These are the memories I received from this website. I can pick apart these people, but who am I to judge? I guess I am a hypocrite for writing this post. I think the actions of this denomination reflect human nature. All groups do this on a certain level. I know LDS people doing it; read some of my earlier blogs. If you want to reference this website, visit the honorable Pastor Fred Whelps and opine on his message yourself. As for Fred, his bio told of him entering West Point and having a profound religious experience and dropping out in his freshman year. All military institutes have a pecking order determined by grade (soph-seniors haze the freshmen, and so on). I speculate this could be the 'profound religious experience' of Whelps... Could Fred Whelps have had this hazing which caused him to focus his lifetime of biblical teachings on homosexuality? Could said...incident...been enjoyable to him and his personal security therefore smashed? Understand I am writing this only to vent and feel better. Totally selfish of me, I know. I am just about 1,000 miles from Topeka and unable to administer corporal punishment (justifiable only to me!). Nah, I'm joking, but this guy is mental...

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Lowest Ebb and the Highest Tide

It seems to me there are many dissatisfied members of the Church in the world. Lately, I have been feeling a little disgruntled also, and I don't like feeling that way because of dire consequences (eternal damnation?) I have imagined for myself. It seems to come at this time every year for me, and I associate these feelings with a seasonal type of depression. I'm not at all trying to minimalize these feelings because they are very real to me. However, I think my sadness has bottomed out for this time. The only way to go is back to the Church issue.
I learn something everytime I cycle through this. What I take from this episode is this: my testimony is rock solid. Solid like my head (har har har). It has taken me a while to do this, but through the input from various sources I have deduced there are two contexts involved in Church, as it is with every other church or organization in the world. Ethesis writes there are three: Religious, Spiritual, and Social contexts. I agree with that but I combine religious and spiritual experiences together; I don't see how a Member can dissociate a religious experience from a spiritual experience. To me it is an impossiblity. So that leaves Social and Spiritual experiences in my point of view. It is the nature of individuals in a society to aggregate with those of similar tastes, mannerisms, outlooks, etc. This is evident in the many subcultures we see. This occurs in Church, jobs, hobbies, music, everywhere there is a "group-fostering". I think, and I feel pretty positive about this, I don't have a problem with Church so much as I have (or had) a problem of defining myself within the context of Church culture. So you may say 'Keine Sheisse, Herr Gardner' but remember I am a slow learner...In my youth I always saw the Elders, High Priests, and other leaders as the end-all of true worship. I always thought to be a 'good Member', or 'Mormon', you had to be serious, stoic, hellfire and brimstone, Thou Shalt Not... and so on...non-smiling, etc. I am not that way and to be honest I can't see myself ever being that way. Ask a misguided man (ha ha ha) named Joseph Butler...nah, Joseph's the man in all the seriousness I can muster. I recognize the fact the outlook on 'good Mormondom' was my own reasoning and I do not blame anyone for that. The Gospel is not about outward experiences; it is getting to know the Saviour, Jesus Christ, and by doing so getting to know yourself. I think there is the pinnacle of mortality. Getting to know who we are as individuals...everything the Church (the org, not the culture) fosters that: Temple worship and marriage, home teaching, personal worthiness, everything. So anyways...I feel out-of-place at Church and it shook me up a little bit but I think I got my head on straight now. So there. Make of this what you will. It's ok to be stoic, but it is also ok to smile!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Bombs Are coming In Cereal Packages

Hey. A few of you are confusing what I'm saying, or not understanding my thoughts. I, however, find this very therapeutic to vent and appreciate all feedback. I guess I'm a blog fag (my term) now. More to come when I have time and I feel like writing...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


I got a new job at ** in the med-center downtown Houston in an ICU as an R.N. Wow. ** is the Mecca of nursing, at least for our class, anyway. I had to do the usual pre-screening tests before I was hired: urinalysis, blood work, and background check. Everything came back excellent liver enzymes and bilirubin were extremely high. My cholesterol is good, my electrolytes are good, I don't have AIDS, or anything, and I don't have Hepatits A, B, or C. But my liver is funky. Hmmm...So, I asked Jeeves and it of course referred me to medications (I take none) and then it mentioned caffeine. I don't drink coffee or tea, but I do drink alot of Diet Coke and some Mountain Dew. So I've decided to go soda-free and drink nothing but water and juices and skim milk, and not eat so much fatty or high-carb foods. All of this irritates the liver, so my thought is if I cut these practices out my liver will be more relaxed. That is the plan until I get some insurance and get my liver checked out more. The symptoms of liver irritation or malfunction are troubled digestion, lack of appetite, and get this: emotional excesses. Toxins build up in the body and are not able to be filtered out in the urine or feces as efficiently, and it affects the whole system. Hmmm...

Monday, December 19, 2005

I Want The Sun...Blotted Out From The Sky

I had a horrible blog posted Saturday night dealing with a serious issue stemming from an altercation occurring at my ward's Christmas party, and by Sunday after Church I wanted to delete it because my rage was somewhat abated and my mind was starting to de-schitz (my term). I know of one family who saw the post, and I hope no one else did. It was that bad...Anyways, as an update, Bro. Jensen called Sunday afternoon and apologized to my 11 y/o for his words. If you don't know what this means, then good, and if you do know, then understand I misjudged Bro. Jensen to a certain extent, I forgive him (if it is my place to do so), I hope Gabe (11 y/o) forgives him, and the matter is over for me as far as I'm concerned. Onwards...
I really don't know what's going on with my emotions. As I've stated earlier, every fall-winter I descend into this madness. All of my life I've been taught that emotions are indicators of my spiritual state. For example, if I've sinned something great I would be really down. Understand? While acknowledging that 'wickedness never was happiness', sadness or depression can be related to something else. One problem: there are times that I cannot pinpoint 'sins' that instigate the depths of depression I plunge into every year. In the past I see I (subconsciously) created 'concrete' reasons for me to be depressed. I would drink beer for a couple of months, then go through the repentance process, and with that cycle I would have something to focus my depression instead of a confusing nothingness. Not this year; I want to keep my temple recommend, but whew, what a ride! I do not mean to imply I was perfect all year, or any such thing. I don't always read the Scriptures like I'm asked to, my prayers sometimes ring hollow, I yell at the kids, and I don't always enjoy my wife's cooking. I don't break the law of chastity, or kill (sometimes I'd like to...ha ha), or drink kitten's blood from a hollowed-out Bible or Book of Mormon, but I am naturally flawed. But I think those things naturally occur with everybody. So, what do I do?
I probably need to see a phsychiatrist to get on some heavy head meds...One theory I have is my mind and emotions are connected to the poles of the Earth, and since the Earth shifts every winter, so do I. I become a little stretched; my body freaks out from being a little further from the Sun for a period of the year. Paranoid android...

Friday, December 16, 2005


I have a friend who told me to count my blessings. So here goes: I have a wonderful wife, three wonderful sons, a set of non-divorced parents, extended family who loves me, a deceased mother-in-law (ha ha), a Primary calling (the best in the Church), the true Gospel, a tenous hold on a Temple Recommend, living in the best age of this Earth's history so far, access to wonderful music, a talent to play any musical instrument known to man, good Home-Teaching Families, maybe good home teachers (yet to be seen), a few friends, a secure job (freshly graduated R.N.), I live in Texas (the mission field, per the 'why am I not yet translated?' Utah saints living in the ward), um, what else...I think I'm being tested. I responded to some other blog (?) by asking the question, "Are we sometimes left alone to be tested, not to prove anything to Heavenly Father, but to prove something to ourselves?" Here's another one: Why do we have to relearn the same lessons over and over again? I don't think I'm disenchanted with the Church as I previously thought I was. As I grow older (33 y/o), I question more and I realize how much I don't know. I don't feel bad by having passing feelings of angst or questioning of the Church when I do; I understand now I'm not questioning my testimony, which I'm happy about. A Stephen answered a blog of mine previously so succintly, and I thought to myself, "Duh, how can I be so blind?" ...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Cells Be Multiplyin' (Culture Shock)

I found a blogspot (new to me): Bam...eloquence stated to cover the inadequacies of my tongue. I was reading in Millenial Star blogspot and there were two or three blogger-fags (my term, my meaning) talking about didactyl bullshit and other weird Mormon stuff, and I got the feeling they were stroking each others'...must I be so crass? What is the point? I find other blogspots that seem so real and honest. One named ned flanders...I'll learn to reference one day when I have time. I know it's interesting to delve into the nether-regions of deep doctrine, but I thought the point of the Gospel is to save. Keep it to yourselves, crackas. But then I chose to read it...Anyway, I am closer to naming my dilemna. I know the Gospel is true, but I don't like going to Church. Or, I don't feel included in Church. I'm not talking about wanting to fit into a 'group' like an pre-adolescent kid, but I'm talking the whole personality. I feel most members are hiding from something. What's yer pain, brother? There is no talk about healing. No confiding...I like a blog called Mormon Feminists (?) where some sisters talked of Trolls...find it and read it. Does anyone get the feeling Elders Quorum lessons are time-fillers? Hmmm...I'm not trying to sound blasphemous. I'm not. My testimony is rooted in the Saviour firmly. I just don't 'feel' the organization.

I Want To Be An Enlightened Intelligentsia Movie Star

Celebrities have to be the most insecure people on the planet. First of all, any actor I've met is a little off-kilter, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But give them attention, and if they lack humility, they assume a mandate and become overbearing. First of all, they become so wise they rationalize the non-existence of God. To believe in God one assumes responsibility for personal actions. If one states the non-existence of God, who is there to be responsible to (for actions such as drugs, immorality, etc.)? Now the celebs are godless. Yet, for all of their wisdom, they can't place why they have a big hole in their lives. In order to fill the hole, they adopt causes to make themselves feel better. Tookie Williams, Mumia Abu Jamal, strange religions, NORML, whatever. I tend to see that on the left side of politics alot, but celebs get all of the attention for obvious causes. I think I am rightist in my political leanings just to irk the left. Deaf to the left...

Monday, December 12, 2005

Woke Up On The Moon

Wazzup, crackazzz...Tomorrow Tookie will be executed and good riddance to bad rubbish. I can't believe the uproar over his execution. This world is stupid. We walk in the shadows of the great and spacious building. The buildings are multiplying by the mortar we work with. The great and spacious of of dung...Tookie is a murderer of a family of three and a store clerk in two separate incidents. He founded the Crip gang in L.A. (where's a convenient earthquake when you need one?). Supposedly Tookie 'reformed' while in San Quentin and wrote books for children imploring them not to join gangs. He never admitted to the shows the pictures of his victims, which you won't find on any of the newspapers around the country. I believe Tookie has been nominated for the Nobel Piece Prize multiple times for his work in promoting peace. But wait! How has Tookie acted while in prison? Google it and find out. This is a man who deserves to die. I'm not trying to sound bloodthirsty, but the truth is the truth. I probably wouldn't care so much if I didn't see Jesse Jackson fighting for him, and all of the celebrities promoting Tookie. If they should free anyone, it should be Chapman for capping the walking pustule J. Lenin...Wait, wasn't Chapman aiming at Joko Oh no?
So how is your day?

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Good Morning, Starshine, The Earth Says Hello

First, the secular side of the moon...I played racquetball with a friend, E. Hansen, whose game has improved greatly since I played him four months ago. We played seven with Eric winning the tie-breaker, 15-12. It was fun and exhausting. I think I like Racquetball for the goofiness of talking smack to the other player. So much fun...
Now, for the cherry pie...I've been thinking of sin lately. What is sin? Why is it important? I think sometimes I try to be a Saviour to myself and bear the burdens of my idiosyncracies (a light term) in order to feel right about it. But lately I've been getting the feeling it is unnecessary to do so. I mean, the Saviour (J.C.) has already done that. Why do I do that? Hmmm...I feel, and I'm pretty sure I'm right, the Lord wants His children to be happy, not only after death, but now, in the present. How can we be happy when we have tendencies towards evil? 2 Nephi 4 O wretched man that I am... My whole life I have been following a strange philosophy of Christianity which takes sin and good deeds and measures which of more a person has done, and according to that measure damnation or salvation is meted out. I think most of the world sees Christianity like this, and I think that is why Christianity is getting a bad rap lately (see any day's news). In my thinking, I have concluded that sin and commandments are not as important as I have been placing them. My Gospel focus until now has been "I'm doing wrong, I'm doing right." The Lord is preparing His children for eternal life. We are in a state of 'becoming'. What reinforces this line of thought is a talk given a few years ago during a General Conference (Mormon Weekend Retreat, kind of) by Elder Dallin Oakes. Great Talk. I don't know the session number or I'd reference it for you. It changed me...
Enough of treading deep waters...My friends in Spain may come home to Houston again. Yay! This particular friend had an opportunity to study his MBA in Houston through ExxonMobil but, since we had a multi-year racquetball rivalry in which he was sorely losing, he felt it necessary to drag his family with his tail between his legs to another CONTINENT to hide his shame...(there's a portion of that aforementioned smack-talking). It's just a game!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Up and Down the Bipolar Highway

Does anyone ever go through periods in their gospel climb where they doubt and fear, and then they have an experience that makes them think, "Stupid, of course the Gospel is true!"...? Every fall-winter I plunge into a deep naked teeth-clenching, my life is in ruins, pull the covers over my head and screw the world I'm not getting out of bed depression. I start to doubt everything: my effectiveness as a father, son, brother, husband, contributor as a citizen to our society, friend, Mormon, ugh, just everything. The past few winters I rationalize my body, as a Temple, is already defective so is slated for destruction and let myself numb or ease the blackness with pot and beer. Not a good idea, by the way...So this time I'm trying to figure it out. I'm starting to work as a nurse, so I'm waiting to see how 'help' (ha ha ha) will effect my licensure as an R.N. Anyways, this time around on the annual december ride, I have a resolve to not lose my temple recommend. Just yesterday I received a lot of answers to some things I've been dealing with (spiritual answers) which showed me, yes, there is someone who cares for me (Heavenly Father, the Lord, etc.) on an individual basis. Do you ever get caught up in the grind of living the commandments? I get so hung up on missing a day (or month) of scripture reading, missing a FHE, hometeaching, slacking in my calling, or whatever. How does it affect you?

Friday, December 02, 2005


Hello. This is Louis G. from Houston, Texas. I'm a less-active active Mormon. Ask and I'll define that for you. I stumbled across this site searching for Joseph and Emily Butler. I have a question for all to answer for me: What's the current use of the DNC and the GOP?