Anus

I wish I could be within reaching distance of Kerry right now. I would happily trade my freedom to get one square punch in his elitist snobbist face and make him bleed. I would make him suffer.

Give me Head...Psychic Head

Heather and I've been married (to each other) 13 years now. 13 years and 10 months ago she asked me out to a Ministry show in downtown Houston...I denied her (I was already going with another girl) but then we got high after work one time, she said, "I feel like I want to kiss you", but then I replied, "I've got a girlfriend", and then we made out. Yummy! Uh, the other girl I have not seen for 13 years and 10 months. 10 months later we were married by our bishop (she joined the Church one month or so prior), and our first son was born 7 months later, in May. Heather refuses to dye her hair purple for me. You see, that's the thing about women. I think I'm more or less the same, but she had the purple hair and dark lipstick which drove this drone bee nuts, but once my queen trapped me, well, she says, "Oh, by the way, I'm normal."..."What?!?"...Women show off their feathers until they have their mate, and then wham. I totally refuse for her to cut her hair short.

I've been self-medicating. The good thing about severe crashes of depression is that you already see yourself as lost so what the heck, it can't get any worse. Self-prescribed coping medications...Some pale, some amber, all delicious...

My Name is Louis and I'm an Alcoholic

"We love you, Louis."

Actually my grandfather was an alcoholic. I say "was" because he's no longer residing on the planet. My father is a teetotaler; he joined the Church when I was 2 or 3 and has been non-stop Mormon man ever since. He had to learn the lesson of not controlling every single move his kids made the hard way, and I bore the brunt of that, but he has done better than most with the tools he has or had to work with. There were times he was abusive, loud, and domineering, but in retrospect and with the spectacles of adulthood I now wear I see he wasn't doing it out of non-love. Whatever. It is what it is.

Now. I think the sixties (hippie culture) really jacked things up. I wasn't there, but I caught the tail-end residuals of the shallowness of that counterculture. I also feel the sixties abused alot of possible good, such as medications. Which leads me to this.

Working in medicine, I have felt oftentimes there are things people use that are crazy. Inotropics, blood-pressure medicines, acetominophen, these drugs have narrow therapeutic ranges, and anything outside of those ranges are potentially dangerous. I got into nursing to prepare for med school, but I sometimes wonder if medicine is controlled by pharmaceutical companies...? Why not herbal remedies? Think of this: if there was not such a negative social stigma attached to LSD, mushrooms, or marijuana (these are examples), what good could come from its usage? Another double-standard: all the nurses I work with swear up and down about how stupid marijuana is, yet they always talk of the bars and getting wasted. I don't use any of this (I keep the Word of Wisdom) but I'm open for medicinal usage of certain drugs.

Stupid hippies...

Dreams

One life, one love, your body is delicious
One life, one love, your body is delicious
(chanted in my vocoder, robotically)

I dreamed this last night. I don't like the 'one...love' bit, but it fit into the beat I was dreaming. I need to start keeping a notebook next to the bed so when I wakeup I can write the words I was dreaming; I've lost so many good lyrics that way.

I also had a dream the members of my ward told me they didn't want me around their teenagers at a ward function because they thought I'd lead them astray, so I started crying, I cussed them out, and then I streaked that particular ward function. Only in my dreams...

Spectrum Perspective

I was thinking, why do certain people like the music they do, or the styles of hairs or clothes they do, including myself? I've addressed this before, and it's a recurring theme. I think it's part of why I shave my head. I want to present an image of neutrality. But people freak-out. In Elder's Quorum during the opening exercises, the EQP welcomed everybody and thanked me in front of everybody for shaving my head to make the naturally bald look better. ??? So I was thinking, from what angle do I see things, and how is it different from, say, a kicker does? Kicker meaning the whole gamut of country music, ropers, boots, pick-up trucks, inbreeding (ha! I don't mean that, it's just funny). I mean, how does that person view the world?

I came to the conclusion whatever the topic is, it is represented by a sphere. Some people view the sphere (music, hair style, clothes, etc.) from one side, and some view from the other side. Some look from underneath, and some look from on top. Does this make sense? How you are depends on what angle you view the sphere from. ?

So, maybe I'm not depressed...? Who determines the criteria for depression if it is part of the whole human(mortal)experience? One of the reasons I don't want medication is maybe medicine is a big business scam. I meet so many of the criteria for this checklist so it is ethically and morally responsible for me to start taking these medications...? I don't know. I'm just rambling...

Synthetic Hormones

Man. I was in Church today and picking apart everybody who stood up to bear their testimonies. The dutiful daughter, the man who bore his testimony of the preceeding testimony-bearers, the sobber, the bawler, the self-declarer, and so on. I knew I was being critical, but it seemed impossible not to. I left sacrament and took my 4-year-old to the bathroom (he had to "poo really bad") and just stood in the stall for a while. I left Church and took a nap in a park nearby until Church let out and then I picked up the family. I'm thinking of telling the Elder's q.p. I'm not home-teaching anymore for a while, I'm very sick, and I'm freaking out (all true). Anyways...

I got a micro-Korg. What I really want is a Minimoog but they cost about $3500, and I have other priorities, monetarily speaking, such as feeding children that I could put $3500 to. So, until that moment comes, I bought a microkorg synth and it is cool. It has a bunch of presets but you can tweak the sound on each one so the possibilites are limitless. I developed a sound, told Heather what keys to press, and took turns playing guitar and drums while she played it. Shazamm! It is good. The sounds I can get put me into such a strange mood, each mood different according to the sound. I want an Apple, MOTU, Reason, Ableton Live, and some mics and I'll be set. The stuff I was playing sounded a little like Meat Beat Manifesto and old Kraftwerk combined. Trippy, ambient, playful, strange...yummy...