Women find me well Jung

"Love thy neighbors" is wonderful, since we then have nothing to do about ourselves; but when it is a question of "love thy neighbour as thyself" we are no longer so sure, for we think it would be egoism to love ourselves. There was no need to preach "love thyself"to people in olden times, because they did so as a matter of course. But how is it nowadays? It would do us good to take this thing somewhat to heart, esp. the phrase "as thyself". How can I love my neighbour if I do not love myself? How can we be altruistic if we do not treat ourselves decently? But if we treat ourselves decently, if we love ourselves, we make discoveries, and then we see what we are and what we should love. There is nothing for it but to put our foot into the serpent's mouth. He who cannot love can never transform the serpent, and then nothing is changed. -Jung

I see a pattern in my tastes in music, food, people, movies, and books. I think Jung's philosophy/psychology explains the reason I like Shamyalan and Star Wars. So was Anakin the complete man? Maybe that's why I'm attracted to Jung's works. The above quote has been stated by me many times in my search for self-truth; I've always said (tongue-in-cheek) "I do love my neighbor as myself because I hate myself"...which is not necessarily the truth. In my years of 'becoming', I've paid attention, maybe too much, to my dark side, and not digesting it properly, esp. in context with what I perceived to be my religion. I've been coming to grips with it lately, but the past 5-7 years have been a time of trial (and error) for me. But, what a learning experience! I wouldn't trade it for anything. I entered this period of my development in this mortal phase one way and am emerging something different. I think the Lord may be pleased with my direction. I certainly hope so...

I don't think the mortal experience is meant to be passed through without falls and scrapes. I grew up believing Mormonism, or my religion at the time, meant walking life through without making 'mistakes'. How I got that idea, I don't know. I think it was a combination of home life, LDS socialization (the big brainwash), and my own personality I brought to mortality. Nevertheless, it is difficult to apply, but I think Jung was on to something. Does acknowledging the dark side of ourselves mean embracing the dark side? I don't think so. I think acknowledging is the beginning of making peace with it. Lehi beat Jung to the punch when he stated there is opposition in all things...

Cookie-Sheet Mary, Save Me...

Ha! In Houston's East Side, a school's cookie sheet was found by a dishwasher (?) to have the picture of the Mother Mary. In interviews, people who dedicated a shrine to the metallic Mother of God says it's a sign of hope for our time. Maybe, depending on the type of cookies being baked on said sheet. Please, I don't want to reveal how I feel about this. Make your own opinion...

So, I wonder how much the cookie sheet is going to bring in on E-Bay? Didn't the grilled cheese in Florida sell for $28K?

Communication of Validation

I shaved my head again. To the skin. It feels liberating. Isn't that weird? I went to eat lunch with my 3rd grader and all the kids ask, "Why are you bald?" (children are refreshing, by the way). So, I tell them stories like, "I was sitting in my hot tub when all of a sudden I saw this giant asteroid way up in the sky and it was heading towards me. I was both fascinated and scared I could not move, but you know asteroids burn up in the atmosphere, and right before it hit me, it burned out and all I felt was this massive gust of super-hot gases which consequently burned all of my hair off." Some look like they're trying to comprehend what I'm saying, some say "Wow" or "Nuh-uh" and the thinkers say, "Then why do you still have eyebrows?"...

As I was laying in bed waking up, I was thinking of these girls I have constant interaction with, one married, one not. On the outside, they talk of all these guys they would like to have, or had, or so on, and I was thinking of communication and how it pertains to this situation. Growing up LSD...ahem, LDS, the youth are taught, at least in my experience, to stay away from the loose of morals, they are no good, and you'll only get burned by hanging with them.
I look at people and automatically, without trying, see what they're saying. Not verbally, with words, but how they present themselves. It is not judgmental in nature, it is just a reflex of my mind. I was thinking of these two girls (30s in age) and I was wondering if they knew what they were saying to everyone...? Again, not words. They are good people with flaws just like me and you, but they are...so...loud...
The message I got from them was validation of self and where it comes from. And basically, this is a lesson, which in retrospect, I've been learning my whole life. Coming from the basis of everyone needing validation, where do we seek it? Are we strong enough to recognize it coming from the Lord? Are we secure enough in our relationship with ourselves to accept validation from ourselves? Do we seek outside validation from anyone, like these girls I am talking about? I kind of apply it to blogging. I know blogs only allow a glimpse into someone's life and perception, but some of them are so blaring in their communication, and their needs for validation. I've run across blogs where all they blog about is "Please, please blog me. I need numbers." In applying that to my thoughts on validation, how is the message different than what these two girls are conveying in their pursuits? Outside validation, by numbers? Could their be such a thing as a...blog whore?

Just Say No...

I have decided after a few years of pondering I will not be taking any depression meds. However, that may change any moment since I think I might have ADD...now what were we talking about?

I have two new goals: to pray more, and to stop swearing. Praying needs no expounding. However, back to swearing. I think I will learn more self-control if I am able to stop swearing. Swearing feels so good at the right moment, though! I'm not doing this to be a good "Mormon" (Heaven forbid!) but to draw closer to my Father. Maybe it's not the swearing that drives the Spirit away but the evident lack or choice of self-control...? I will express my anger in more constructive forms, such as in my fists...

Back to meds...I've been having a lot of Spiritual experiences lately and it is not without costs...In reviewing my life I feel Father has been trying to teach me something. I entered something of which I have no terms for about 7 years ago, and I will never be the same again. It is not something good nor bad; it can't be defined by those parameters, but there is a loss of innocence which I've experienced. Again, not in terms of good or bad. I think very strongly I've been Kubler-Ross'ing subconciously for the past few years. Anyways, I say 7 years because that is about how long I can remember clearly. I'm getting feeble...Therefore, I think the experiences I have in my mood fluctuations are part of the package, so to speak. Why would I want to take away from that? I haven't experienced medicated-induced non-depression, but I fear I might miss on what the Lord, or Father, is trying to teach me. Does this make sense?

I might be taking Taiko lessons after May. It all depends. Heather and I saw the Kodo drummers Saturday and again it set me off thinking about culture. What is American culture? I know why I am so driven in defending the Constitution, but what choices have we, as Americans, made with our precious freedom? I saw Heroes about 3 years or so ago. Again, my memory is feeble. Actually, I've heard of the Kodo drummers before Heroes but I heard them for the first time in the movie. The drumming is so powerful...Anyways (ADD attack) I was impressed with the costumes and traditions portrayed in Heroes and it got me thinking of culture and Americans'...lack of...in my opinion. Am I fair in saying that? Am I missing something in our society that states, "This is American culture"? Heroes is a 'historical fiction' movie. I'm sure there is embellishment by the producer and director, but then also, there are supernatural elements in the movie! Rent it today! Some people don't get it, but I truly count it as one of those movies that impacted me. But then again, so did Star Wars...

So, what is American culture? Certainly not Anna Nicole Smith, Brittany Spears, Tool, L.A., New York, People magazine, country music...or is it? Oh, I know it is the end times because the headlines of Drudge Report was all about the state of B. Spears' hair...

Drums. Ludwig, not Gretsch.

I bastardized and raped my old kit to add to this one, but yes! The kit sounds so darned good. It's like chocolate in the springtime...

What happened?

Heartbeat/Children Of The Drum

Kodo.



Heather and I missed Valentine's Day because I was at school, so we're planning to go out Saturday. I was looking at the newspaper and there it was, Kodo is playing Saturday at the Jones Hall in Houston. YES!!! So, that's our date night.

Heather asked, "What do I wear, you don't think I can wear jeans, do you?" I replied, "We wore jeans when we saw Flaming Lips and Beck at the Jones Hall..."

I have wanted to see the Kodo drummers for forever. I have the Heroes soundtrack and they play on that. I looked into buying some traditional Kodo drums to accentuate my kit, which would be extremely cool, but when I looked to buy them, I didn't realize a single Kodo-style drum (authentic) around 14-16" in diameter costs around...$10,000 and more. Needless to say I was mildly disappointed and did not make that purchase. Heather would have killed me...

Breaking News...

Ugh. Just like I predicted a while ago...I work nights, so when I'm not working I'm up during the night. So, I turned on the TV, which I haven't watched in a while, and there she was. Nancy disGrace railing on about Anna Nicole Smith. CNN, Anna Nicole Smith. Greta Van Susternen (FOX), Anna Nicole Smith.

"This just in, 145 people killed in Iraq by religious fanatics, Africa is still drowning in blood, and now, back to Anna Nicole Smith."

I don't know about where you live, but in Houston we have PWT crack whores dying all of the time. What's the deal with this one? I wonder if that poor hungry child in Baghdad whose parents were killed and chalked up to "collateral damage" by the U.S. liberators is watching TV somehow and wondering if Anna Nicole Smith is the summation of American society, and if he does get that impression, is he really, truly wrong?

I also LOVE the fact at least two national meetings on Global Warming were postponed or cancelled due to ice storms and blizzards. God and I must share the same sense of humor.

I'm ashamed they're from Texas, also...

So they admit they won because of current political climes and not because of talent...? Stupid, stupid world...and it's not because of the political side they come from. I am a universal hater. But, come on, I knew Idiots Rule when the Flaming Lips started protest songs. Ugh. Killjoy...But the Ditsy Hicks are talentless crap. At least the F. Lips have their own sound. Natalie Maines is a fame-whore.

I know the pieces fit

I'm not sick all of the time, just so you know. I treat blog like a journal, but my mind continually races, and therefore blogging only captures a small portion of what I'm feeling. When I'm feeling fine sometimes I don't write anything. But when I do feel off it is very intense. So much for that...

I was talking to a friend (flesh and blood) about the experiences I have/had with self-righteous Mormons/humans...and to tell you the truth, and I'm not being facetious, conceited, or anything of the like, I came to the conclusion that I may be more intelligent than most people, and therefore the burden rests with me to bear the 'weaknesses' of others in that field. Now, that being said, I am not saying I am better than most, I'm just more intelligent. I see people for what they are.

So, we are here to have our rough spots smoothed. Who am I to take away that experience from someone just because they are inconveinencing my personal comfort level? Who am I not to experience it myself? Just thinking...

Hey. I was just thinking, Iran is pursuing our destruction, Putin is badmouthing the United States, Maslow's Heirarchy doesn't even apply to Mogadishu, and Sean Hannity is obsessing over Anna Nichole Smith...I wonder what the profit margin is for the tabloids...?

Help!

Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation's Growing Spider Menace

Just to clear the air...I'm not gay!!!

Nah, I just wanted to throw whoever reads this for a loop. Where did that come from? Hahahaha...mental sedition...

It's 0145 and I can't sleep, but I'm not lamenting...Sometimes I lay in bed trying to sleep and that's when I get sick...my mind starts churning, all of these deadlines loom and make my stomach hurt, even if they're weeks or months away, my flaws sink their fangs in me and bleed me dry, everything seems loud, every little light is like the sun...

I've been thinking of buying a few acres (5-10) sometime soon. Maybe in 5 years after I get some equity in this house. I fear living in the suburbs is softening my sons. I told a friend from my ward I hate Mormon culture but I don't know if she got it.

With my tax return I'm paying off a credit card and buying a drum set! This friend of mine is selling one for $1K. A Gretsch catalina maple kit with 2 toms, a floor tom, bass, snare, hi-hat, crash and ride, a double kick pedal, a 3-piece roto-tom, a nice throne...I'm going to post pictures of it when I get it along with pictures of my original pawn shop drum set which sounds like...hurricane fighter planes...I figure Just to get started with my electronic music it would cost me $5-6K just to get started. I don't have that money, so that's going to be on hold.

Something's looming large; I feel like shaving my head again. I've been listening to Tool a lot lately..."But Louis, maybe it's the music you listen to." My parents always blamed extraneous material for my, uh, mental forays into madness. Musically, Tool sounds the same, I mean their songs. But, their good songs are really good, and it's one of the few bands where I like them lyrically (not all of their songs). I feel Maynard's love, man...D. Carey is also a really good drummer.

I actually feel bad for A.N.Smith. What an extremely unhappy person. She used to be a waitress at the Red Lobster five miles from my house before she was discovered. I wonder if this puts more fodder for Nancy disGrace to consume upon her lusts...I can't stand her. Sensationalist tabloid black void of a person...Nancy Grace I mean...Heather and I make jokes about how our dachsund is going to eat the toes of our new baby and we'll be on Nancy Grace put through the wringer. Ha! "But yor baby has no toes..." "Everybody's concerned about the dog but I don't hear anything about the baby having it's toes eaten off." That was from the episode of where the baby pit bull was supposedly guilty of gnawing the baby's toes of this one couple, but it turned out it was probably the ferret.

I just finished reading General Tommy Franks' autobiography. Good man...gives a lot more light about Iraq through declassified material the general public doesn't know about and the spin machines don't talk about. That's one of the few things I 'know' without a doubt: the U.S. Constitution is foolproof. People just jack it up like everything else, whether it be religion or any other social movement.

Heather is getting HUGE!!! It's like she ate a watermelon. The baby is very active, kicking and rolling...when I lay awake gritting my teeth I put my hand on Heather's bulbous gut and feel Chloe (anyone else have a better name?) rolling around non-stop. I wonder if I passed on my moody prediliction? We can't wait to see her. She's already grounded until 26!

Isn't it funny how when we are growing up there were no cares, and even though bad shit was going down it didn't affect you that much? When did that change? There is an LDS artist who painted self-portraits, not of himself literally, but of himself traveling through the life-span, and he's walking down a hall which is about to turn abruptly to an open doorway which is blackened except for a light in the middle twinkling like a star. He starts out as a child, posture straight, smiling and clean, but as he's nearing the turn in the hallway he is obviously aging, his 'walk' isn't so confident, and little 'things' are attached to him in various spots (they are parasites which look like the creatures on the album cover Too Dark Park from SP). There are obvious periorbital wrinkles and darkened edema, and a look of questioning himself. This is right before he turns towards the darkened doorway...My description does the picture no justice, but the meaning is profound to me. Does the 'diamond process' continue in post-mortality? I would think it has to. It may be naiviety in saying so but I cannot conceive of the 'cleansing' process being complete here on this sphere of existence. I'm going to the Temple real soon, I just have to make an appointment with the Stake Presidency for the second interview. I will be Temple-worthy, I take the sacrament every Sunday, I keep the covenants made in the Temple, but still there is that nagging feeling of incompleteness...it's like I have a spiritual tapeworm!

Night Shift Blues

I started working the night shift around New Years. I actually like it because it fits my work-out schedules more and I feel I have more time with the kids. When I make it, of course...However, I fall asleep doing nothing, sitting in my beloved bubble baths, and watching 24 which my wife tapes for me.

This is a picture of me in my garments on the couch crashed out. My wife took it without me knowing.

I don't live today...just merely existing...

Does anybody else have my problem? I was talking to Heather and I told her I think I might be insane, which is no big deal, because if I am I've been insane for almost 35 years now and I'm able to function. I've coined the phrase 'functionally insane' before...

Anyways, I told her I feel I'm living in anticipation of future events, goals, etc. and not enjoying the present. I...can't...relax...

I woke up at 1:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep...Houston is 45 degrees outside so it's too cold to go outside, and there is nothing but concrete to gaze at anyway...all of these upcoming deadlines were looming: my responsibilities in the ward for the Feb. 16th activity (I'm in charge of the music...hahaha...they requested country and I asked "What is country?" I will provide Skinny Puppy instead and knife their aural receptors...hahaha...anarchy at the ward chili cook-off...), school papers, pregnant wife, kids, living in the suburbs...

Speaking of the suburbs, what is so repulsive about living in the suburbs? I feel trapped...I enjoy the 'amenities' of living in the suburbs, such as the local skate park, gym, library, and stuff but I'M LOSING MY MIND!!?! Is it this particular suburb? Kingwood?

So, I wonder if all of this stuff I'm feeling is symptomolgy of disorders (?) if I truly do have a clinical disorder (Depression, bi-polar, etc.).

I'm going to New Orleans for Spring Break! I'm taking my bike and nothing else and visiting my family.

I'm listening to Ty Cobb from Soundgarden which kind of sums up how I feel about my suburb, ward, etc.